From Trauma To Grace

Giving birth twice to very premature babies (at six months and at six and a half months)...

...was a deflagration in my life. Yoga has helped me begin to heal from these two traumatic experiences.

I had disconnected from my body, which I felt had “failed me.” Thoughts of anger, guilt, and shame kept looping through my mind: I didn’t finish the work. I didn’t do well. I wasn’t enough. With hindsight, I can see that this was complete nonsense, but at the time this was how it felt.

When I began yoga, I found myself facing the same feelings whenever I met challenging poses. My inability to “perform” triggered intense emotions. I felt so much anger against myself for not being able to make the asanas that looked “easy” for other practitioners.

Buckets of tears later, I started to recognize the pattern and slowly I began to address my trauma. I realized I had to make peace with myself, be grateful for this healthy (yet stiff) body of mine, and learn to be gentle with myself.

Some poses are still a work in progress, but now I accept that the pose is not the end goal, that it is not a race, and that true yoga is about embracing this journey with grace.

The yoga mat has become a mirror I hold up to myself, helping me find clarity. Beyond the pose, yoga is about self-knowledge and intimacy with myself.

I am deeply grateful for this journey and for the wonderful supporters of my practice.